I am new to the blog world so I wanted my page to be a representation of me...things I like. So tonight I found a great background that I really like (at least for now).....but I decided to leave a picture that I took of a rusty window in NC as the header (again, at least for now). It made me laugh when I saw the blog with the two together. It is so me and almost hysterical. The two would seemingly not belong together at all, however, that is me...eclectic to my core.

I read another bloggers post a couple days ago about apologizing. Apologizing for being herself. As I read it I realized that I can really relate to that, having spent most of my life apologizing for anything and everything. I want to be done with that too. My best friend has been a constant source of encouragement in this area for years. This year I want to understand better who God made me to be...ME. This electic girl who longs for love and desires to be a blessing, who listens to David Crowder Band, Heavy D, Andrea Bocelli, Frankie Avalon and Tracy Lawrence, who loves graffiti, artists colonies, and fine art museums, who wants to try almost everything but is such a perfectionist she won't, who loves to travel and explore yet would love to have her family and closest friends by her side the whole time, who loves damask and adores rust. This is the girl I want to get to know and appreciate how God sees her. God says He had a plan when He created each of us and He put me together this way. I hope to learn to appreciate it more and to see how He wants to use my uniqueness for His glory.

So tonight I begin by saying "Thank You God, thank You for making me who I am. I ask that You would continue to enable me to walk by faith even in the things that I currently do not understand or like about myself or the world. That I would trust Your heart and trust You to use these things, and allow You to willingly, for Your purposes and glory. Thank You for loving me."

It's a start....

I found this quote from Roosevelt on another blog this week and it just seemed very appropriate for our nation this week....

CHEERS to “the doer, not the mere critic- the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done” (Roosevelt, 1891). For, “Criticism is necessary and useful; it is often indispensable; but it can never take the place of action, or be even a poor substitute for it. The function of the mere critic is of very subordinate usefulness. It is the doer of deeds who actually counts in the battle for life, and not the man who looks on and says how the fight ought to be fought, without himself sharing the stress and the danger.” (Roosevelt, 1894)

I saw this today and it got me thinking...I want to be like that. I want to be one that changes things, people, a crazy one that people can see Jesus in.

It is amazing the different paths we all end up taking. Life is funny that way I guess. I had the chance to catch up with a few friends tonight that I haven't talked to in years. Time changes people. Thank God for His grace that changes people to be more like Him.

I am praying that I will continue to look more like Him. In reality, without pretense or walls or masks. God has so much for those who will seek and trust Him.

God is a total mystery, so generous, so forgiving, so awesome and deserving of all of our hearts.

Wow

I am sitting here now and was just looking for the song "Call Me Beautiful" so that I could add it to this blog. I decided to look for songs by one of my favorite worship leaders, Travis Cottrell. I saw a song that I had never heard of and decided to listen to it.

I can't explain what is happening now but I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face and worshipping my incredible God. The One I so do not deserve but am eternally grateful for. You have to understand....I have had a hardened heart towards Him for a while now. Confused and bewildered and unwilling to walk with Him by faith. Wow this is what healing feels like. If you give your whole heart to Him I promise He is worthy of it. I haven't been able to worship like this for months.

Please read the words below and know that the God of the universe loves you and if you are already His, He renamed you and made you His....AWESOME. If you are not His, I beg you to cry out to our awesome God. He loves you and knows your name, knows your secrets, knows your deepest and LOVES you. The song below could be true of you too just cry out to Him.

"Who I am is a mystery
I can't explain
cause your mercy fell like healing rain
and washed away my past
Who I was
all my secrets
all my hidden pain
now your grace has broke every chain
and set me free at last
who I was before doesn't matter anymore

You changed my name
You called me forgiven
You changed my name when you called me redeemed
You took my shame
and wrote a new beginning
to the story I was living and I'll never be the same
You saw what I could be
and reaching out for me
You changed my name
You changed my name

Now I live in the light of your redeeming love
and I bear the marks your healing touch has written on my heart
with each step I take I'm reminded of the price you paid
and the living sacrifice you made to set my soul apart
my life is yours alone
You have marked me as your own

I'm not the man I once was behold all things are new because you changed my name
New"
by Travis Cottrell


So even though I declared my theme song to be "Call Me Beautiful," I am changing my mind already. I want to learn over the next year to walk in the truth that God changed my name and I am forgive and redeemed and loved beyond all measure. I am not the same that I once was before He changed and I will worship Him for that always.

I'm done waiting (or at least I want to be) for my life to begin. I know that it seems crazy but I think I have been waiting my whole life for "my life" or life as I thought it would be to begin.

I'm done. This life is the life God has given me and wants me to use for His glory NOW. Not when or if but NOW. With dreams still swirling unfulfilled in my heart, while being the imperfect person I am but growing daily, while learning to live daily trusting my great, wonderful, incomprehensibly amazing, and totally trustworthy Savior and I will walk forward by faith into this exciting, wonderful, scary life.

I will walk forward by faith knowing that I already have a hero, His name is Jesus, so I don't need to keep waiting for one. Even if at some point God fulfills some of my deepest desires and dreams, He will still be my hero. The only hero I need. The One that has already rescued me and still now pursues my heart....by calling me beautiful.

So I think I've found my theme song for the year.

"I've been waiting,
For a hero who's brave and strong.
Someone to love me,
Someone to tell me I belong.
So I pretend I'm satisfied,
And I stand watching on the sidelines.
Til You pull me into the light
And say, "It's your turn now, welcome to your life!"

And You call me beautiful,
Say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys to unlock my soul.
You call me beautiful.

There's a smile on my face,
And a brand new light in my eyes,
It's a new day,
And I've never felt so alive,
I feel as if I could conquer anything,
That's what Your love has done for me,
And now all I want to be,
Is everything You want me to be-

Oh, You call me beautiful,
Say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys
To unlock my soul,
but I didn't know-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed.
Things will be much different,
Now that I know You call me beautiful.

The story is better than I could dream after all,
Now this is reality
To know You to hear You call me beautiful.
Call me beautiful.
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed.
Things will be much different,
Now that I know, now that I know You call me beautiful."
by Ginny Owens

My reasons

I am definitely not a writer or extremely eloquent or even humorous but something about blogging has captured me. I would love to write about things that matter to me and share these things with my friends and family. Sometimes at the end of the night for a single girl there are thoughts that need to somewhere to go. This will be my outlet. I want to write about things that are funny, challenging, serious, romantic, irrational, exciting and frustrating. I want God to hear my heart's cry and my friend's to share this wonderful, messy, exciting, and crazy life with me. For now, I'm just putting my thoughts out there. There is something about writing to the void but it be out there that it releasing and therapeutic. Hopefully I'll learn some lessons along the way and others that come along for the ride will too.